Is it Everything I Wanted?

Yes, and no. But mostly yes. ;)

Uh, oh... here is someone else being all philosophical about mother/parenthood... uh, no.

I'm not here to analyze parenting struggles and offer suggestions. I'm just gaining my own perspective on my feelings. Right? Right. This is my journal of sorts, remember? I hope that's enough disclosure and prefacing to avoid any and all ugliness.

Moving ON!

A few thoughts...

Motherhood has been what I expected in a lot of ways i.e. lots o love, laughing, playing, crying, cuddling, frustration, pulling hair out, doctor appointments, sleepless night, birthday parties.

What I didn't expect (maybe you did, you're most likely quicker than me) is the tornado of emotions attached to all of it. What do I mean by that? "Let me splain, no there is too much, let me sum up." (Sorry for the quick movie quote, I couldn't help myself.)

The simultaneous emotions in an expected situation. Like pure joy and anguish as you watch your baby learn to crawl. You want to cheer and encourage but yell at them to knock it off and be your newborn again. Or how about getting them ready for school for the first time. Wait, what? School?

Oh, then there's their health. We all "know" there will be illness or heaven forbid something more serious wrong at times. I opted out of the prenatal testing for many reasons. Now having dealt with a more serious issue, I know that was the right choice for me. Had someone told me ahead of time that my son would have seizures, any preparation I attempted wouldn't have made it any easier. (Which reminds me that I've never written an official post about that. I really should.)

I think you get my point.

There is nothing anyone can say or any book to read that explains the emotions. When you look at your child and have a physiological reaction of losing your breath because your love overwhelms you. Or the yearn that turns you inside out while holding your child when they've been sedated. Or the pain of sleepless nights caused not by a crying child, but trying to deal with all the emotions thrown at you.

Now this post is much longer and full of more randomness than truly necessary.

But really, is it everything I expected? No.

Is it everything I wanted? Yes, even if I didn't know I wanted it. The good, bad, ugly, and everything in between. Because it's mine. No one's experience will be exactly like it. I am grateful for it all, yes even the seizures. *cringe* No, I'm not wishing them on him, but it wouldn't be mine without them. :)