I'm getting Whiplash

This binky is actually from the days of Bubba. He wasn't too keen on it because of the little bumpies on the nipple. It's supposed to be good for teething. Yes well, after one or two attempts, it ended up in the toy bin. Now being Coop's domain, can I tell you how much he loves this thing? I swear when he's digging in there, this is what he's looking for.

Yes, it's cute and all. It looks like a gigantic smile. But when it catches your peripheral vision...scary. I keep thinking that he's injured and bleeding. Sheesh, you'd think after the hundredth time of whipping my head around I would know it's just the bink.

I just don't have the heart to take it from him. Oh well.

And there is One More

I spend much time in these parts speaking of my wee boys. I don't think I've taken much time to mention my third not so wee boy. Here he is. My Scotters.

Although we started out a little more like this.

I give you permission to laugh at the cheesy background and pose. You may also laugh at our baby fat cheeks. I was all of 20, he not much better at 24.

Full of love and a false sense of reality, this was 7 years ago. A lifetime right? Ha, ok. No.

In those 7 years, we have had our fair share of fun. Countless jobs, college, 4 moves, 2 kids, 3 cars, health scares, and even a layoff or two.

What's funny is I am a passionate person and don't usually have a problem speaking my mind, but I have a hard time putting us into words. Just these few sentences here have made my heart nearly explode and brought tears to my eyes. It has made me pause because my fingers can't put forth-well what that response is all about. It all just becomes cliche. The classic words used to describe the relationship a couple share become hollow and meaningless.

I can give you this...however insignificant these words may seem... Maybe it will somewhat express how I feel and you may understand who he is. If not, that's ok, as long as I do.

At the end of the day, I love how we're just the right heights for my face to fit in his neck. That I never go to sleep without a hand on my hip. He doesn't say a word when I ask him to check the doors for the third time in a row. He works an extremely stressful job with ever changing hours. He knows just how to take care of me when I'm sick (including running to the pharmacy at 2am...again). And oh the way he looks at me with his puppy dog eyes.

He is my Scotters. Maybe that's why I don't speak about him much around here. He's mine and I selfishly don't want to share him.

Big Guy has had Enough

Coop has reached several milestones in the past month. Some of the biggest include crawling, sitting up, feeding himself, and pulling himself up. Needless to say, I've been scrambling to keep up. Both in terms of his safety and my own emotions. With four years between babies, I seem to be out of practice. He appeared to be gung ho for all new things until his first time sitting in a shopping cart. He seems to want no part of it.

He laid his head down with must frustration and sighing, only lifting it once or twice with much coaxing.

His face says it all.

I think I'll give him a break for a few weeks. It looks to be too much too fast for him. Secretly I wouldn't mind a little slow-mo myself. Ok, not so secretly.

Is it Everything I Wanted?

Yes, and no. But mostly yes. ;)

Uh, oh... here is someone else being all philosophical about mother/parenthood... uh, no.

I'm not here to analyze parenting struggles and offer suggestions. I'm just gaining my own perspective on my feelings. Right? Right. This is my journal of sorts, remember? I hope that's enough disclosure and prefacing to avoid any and all ugliness.

Moving ON!

A few thoughts...

Motherhood has been what I expected in a lot of ways i.e. lots o love, laughing, playing, crying, cuddling, frustration, pulling hair out, doctor appointments, sleepless night, birthday parties.

What I didn't expect (maybe you did, you're most likely quicker than me) is the tornado of emotions attached to all of it. What do I mean by that? "Let me splain, no there is too much, let me sum up." (Sorry for the quick movie quote, I couldn't help myself.)

The simultaneous emotions in an expected situation. Like pure joy and anguish as you watch your baby learn to crawl. You want to cheer and encourage but yell at them to knock it off and be your newborn again. Or how about getting them ready for school for the first time. Wait, what? School?

Oh, then there's their health. We all "know" there will be illness or heaven forbid something more serious wrong at times. I opted out of the prenatal testing for many reasons. Now having dealt with a more serious issue, I know that was the right choice for me. Had someone told me ahead of time that my son would have seizures, any preparation I attempted wouldn't have made it any easier. (Which reminds me that I've never written an official post about that. I really should.)

I think you get my point.

There is nothing anyone can say or any book to read that explains the emotions. When you look at your child and have a physiological reaction of losing your breath because your love overwhelms you. Or the yearn that turns you inside out while holding your child when they've been sedated. Or the pain of sleepless nights caused not by a crying child, but trying to deal with all the emotions thrown at you.

Now this post is much longer and full of more randomness than truly necessary.

But really, is it everything I expected? No.

Is it everything I wanted? Yes, even if I didn't know I wanted it. The good, bad, ugly, and everything in between. Because it's mine. No one's experience will be exactly like it. I am grateful for it all, yes even the seizures. *cringe* No, I'm not wishing them on him, but it wouldn't be mine without them. :)

I'll Do it Myself

Coop will usually scream when put in his car seat, until he could get into it by himself. Case and point...

"OOOO, my size... straps to pulls on. I can reeeeeach!"

"Oh look, it rocks, too! Maybe I'll climb in."

"What Mom? Why are you taking my picture?"

"Almost there! Use those legs!"

"What? You're still there? What's the big deal?"

"Ok, fine. I'll melt your heart and smile at you."

It worked, I'm melted.