Willing Satisfaction

My infertility story is no match for the majority of the world, including my own family. But what I am sure is the common link for all those who have been in my position is the frustration of being unable to wish away the pain.

I mean, what else could I ask for? I have a beautiful son that is more than I could have ever dreamed of. His life and spirit fulfill me in a way that no other joy can. That is more than most infertility couples ever experience. Yet I yearn. It feels as if my heart might implode. The love I feel for him, and that he returns, pulls at me. There is nothing greater. I see through him the love my Father in heaven has for me. Hunter allows me to draw unto my Father in way I do not completely understand.

And so the pain. I often visualize it as a light switch. A pain switch. I keep flicking it up and down, yet it never turns off. It pours through my life like light does through a room. I get no rest from it.

So why can I not be satisfied? Is Hunter not enough? Is he not the greatest blessing I will ever receive? The most important responsibility? I keep willing my satisfaction, hoping it will flip the switch.

I am sure my feelings are all 'normal' and perfectly 'rational'. All I know is I want to scream and cry and act like the baby I so desire.