Suck It In

Stepping on the scale is never fun. I psyche myself up each time. I play mind games, telling myself the it will be a much higher number than is at all reasonable. This makes me feel that I am making progress, even though the number doesn't really change.

This is no different than choosing to wear my size six jeans rather than my size eight even though when comparing them, my size sixes are a good inch bigger around. Ridiculous I know, but every woman out there knows what I am talking about.

Back to my point, even more ridiculous is that I have noticed lately that I suck my gut in when I step on the scale. I usually realize this when I step off and the gut reemerges. My subconscious is also very concerned about my weight. More importantly, I am sure it makes a good five pound difference.

Willing Satisfaction

My infertility story is no match for the majority of the world, including my own family. But what I am sure is the common link for all those who have been in my position is the frustration of being unable to wish away the pain.

I mean, what else could I ask for? I have a beautiful son that is more than I could have ever dreamed of. His life and spirit fulfill me in a way that no other joy can. That is more than most infertility couples ever experience. Yet I yearn. It feels as if my heart might implode. The love I feel for him, and that he returns, pulls at me. There is nothing greater. I see through him the love my Father in heaven has for me. Hunter allows me to draw unto my Father in way I do not completely understand.

And so the pain. I often visualize it as a light switch. A pain switch. I keep flicking it up and down, yet it never turns off. It pours through my life like light does through a room. I get no rest from it.

So why can I not be satisfied? Is Hunter not enough? Is he not the greatest blessing I will ever receive? The most important responsibility? I keep willing my satisfaction, hoping it will flip the switch.

I am sure my feelings are all 'normal' and perfectly 'rational'. All I know is I want to scream and cry and act like the baby I so desire.